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I'm finding myself...

In a great manner of ways.

...to be hiccuping a great deal this last evening/morning.
...to be stressed beyond anything else this past year
...to be cute
...to be attractive
...to be horribly ugly
...to be an annoyance to a few
...to be a relief to be around
...to many a thing I can't continue to list.

but Mainly, I'm finding myself to be in Love.

Its usually a tiptoe sort of ordeal. Where I'll nudge it. Where I'll feel obligated. Where I'll put a foot in to see if its truly warmer on that side. And I usually find it a cold and fake place that my paramours can sometimes like or abhor.

And this huge BUT...

but Its dIfferent this time. This love, Where I'm reluctant to let go. Where I have thrown myself foolfull heartedly into. The warmth is everywhere, and I can't let myself get rid of it.

Will it ruin me? perhaps, but I will like it.

So Movies?

I have watched so many movies and my Media mind is so open to watching everything that comes my way. The moment my roommmates shoot up a movie to watch, I compulsively sit down and watch it. It's impossible for me to ignore it unless I'm actively doing chores or just downright bored and I will drowsily sleep through it but still ingest dialogue from it.

Anyways, I'm going to rant about SUPER 8.

This movie is just downright one of the best films I have seen come out of 2011. I am jumping the gun on this idea, I know, the year is not even over. A million movies have come out in this month and soon Sherlocke Holmes 2 is upcoming, but I still shall hold my opinion that Super 8 is one of the neatest things to come out of this year.

I think that the best way to go through Super 8 is to go with the expectation that it is simply good and just leave it at that. You can't expect a horror movie, you can't expect a chick flick or any of those easy preconceived notions around a movie. You should just GO and watch it. Also, if you're even slightly interested in how to make an amateur film in the 70's, this will hit you.

My favorite reaction that I've heard was someone worried that it had an element they couldn't take. But its a fantastic film for everyone.

And if you need any introduction because you believe in watching something without some sort of idea about what it is about? It's like and better than the Goonies.

Peanuts 2.0!

As of... well, two days ago, I have MOVED TO A HOUSE. WHERE I HAVE A ROOM. TO MYSELF.

The possibilities are... well, if there was a word for daunting and endless, it would be right there.

Though, none of it is set up. And my bed's still not here. and... so many fucking and's, guys. Not a joke.


First movie! PEANUTS; BON VOYAGE (which I actually watched the entirety of, and didn't fall asleep. I am CONSTANTLY amazed.)


(its so amazing guize. I cannot get across how much of the movie just blows my mind with how thoughtfully it was put together. I LOVES IT SO.)

First meal made: Mabo Tofu, Broccoli, and Blueberry pie. I fucked up on the pie, but WHATEVER, it was late and i was tired and GITOFFMYBACK.

And the neatest room in the house? Sterlings. Because he's a BAMF like that. HOWEVER, I declare that the kitchen is fantabulous because of my MACHINATIONS DAMMIT(getitright)

(I had a McDonald's McFrappe. can you tell?)

Tomorrow is barbeque day.

Tonight is agony on couches. I have a million mosquito bites. And I've become... slightly allergic. My rightfoot has a layer of swelling over the top, and my left ankle is creaking from the feeling. I HATE MOSQUITOS.

My roommates swear by mosquito candles. I don't believe them, but I WANT REMEDIES. I CAN'T DEAL. THE ITCH IS HORRENDOUS.

I am hungry and I miss my friends. And I miss having a bicycle that works. Its the little things.


I'm quite officially a couch ninja. I sleep on a couch.

And yet I'm horribly happy. I get flustered much more easily, but at the same time all the other emotions come out just as happily hot as ever. There's giddiness in my step now, a more readily available smile.

Most of it surrounds this horrible couch that I make my bed on. Good people, good times, good nights.

To think it came out of living life to enjoy it rather than worry.

I have enough to worry about. Screw my back, screw privacy, screw good nights of sleep.

Who needs it when I've had weeks of happiness, spent mostly on a couch whose cushions are slowly killing my spine.

Glee, you all. Fucking glee.

Life by Wreakage

So once again my mind has been reformatted to INTENSE MOVIE MODE, so now my mind is getting wreaked again by Hannibal Lecter. I have just finished watching Red Dragon, and with the many things that I've been going through, I need a moment to reflect.

My friend Sabrina brought up a point with me today, that I'm quicker to temper and much more quicker to emotion than I used to be, which she cited herself and her boyfriend to be the originators of this copied behavior. And I mentioned that they are definitely ones that make me more... agitated. to say the least. There are many a time I have been slighted with them as an audience, and each instance that I tend to just wave off, they are quick to remind me that perhaps I'm not thinking about it as much as I should.

I am quick to temper now. I feel immature because of it though. That my mind is quick to catch on small points that make me furious to the point of verbal incomprehension. I get irritated, frustrated. Very easy to catch off on a bad mood recently.

but such mimicked actions can't be blamed on observations of others. It is definitely my own mind that is pulling my reactions in such a way. But why have i resorted to such ways?

How immature is it to become irritated over points that are hard to brush off? that other people around you have annoying ticks that you just can't ignore? does that make you a bad person if you are particular?

I was harder to tick off, harder to move to angry emotions. I fly off the handle now, so much more turbulent. There's a fire in me raging, sometimes it dampens, and sometimes someone opens a door to an explosion to the face.

I can't stop smacking people.

Conversely, I always want to hold someone. or hold someone's hand. or get a hug. be hug. greet by matching your thumb to my pinky, my thumb to your pinky. tangible tangible.

More cuddly. More approving of doing things for everyone else.

My heart's constantly racing. I don't know how to handle myself. I'm all over the place, so stressed out but... am i having fun? enjoying myself living this way?

I'm having a hard time figuring that out.


I don't want to go back. Being actually antisocial. Not balancing people with other people, but people and myself (where I outweighed most things, but mostly because whatever people want is a better off me).

I do a lot of things because I feel like I'll miss out on life. On doing things. On what you're supposed to enjoy out of life. and I do.
But then I realize that my memory sucks. and that as enjoyable as something may become, it will become a vague recollection to me always. And that's always depressing for me to think about.

I'm losing sleep. I'm going to just conclude with:

Red Dragon is an amazing movie.