I'm finding myself...

In a great manner of ways. be hiccuping a great deal this last evening/morning. be stressed beyond anything else this past year be cute be attractive be horribly ugly be an annoyance to a few be a relief to be around many a thing I can't continue to list.

but Mainly, I'm finding myself to be in Love.

Its usually a tiptoe sort of ordeal. Where I'll nudge it. Where I'll feel obligated. Where I'll put a foot in to see if its truly warmer on that side. And I usually find it a cold and fake place that my paramours can sometimes like or abhor.

And this huge BUT...

but Its dIfferent this time. This love, Where I'm reluctant to let go. Where I have thrown myself foolfull heartedly into. The warmth is everywhere, and I can't let myself get rid of it.

Will it ruin me? perhaps, but I will like it.

So Movies?

I have watched so many movies and my Media mind is so open to watching everything that comes my way. The moment my roommmates shoot up a movie to watch, I compulsively sit down and watch it. It's impossible for me to ignore it unless I'm actively doing chores or just downright bored and I will drowsily sleep through it but still ingest dialogue from it.

Anyways, I'm going to rant about SUPER 8.

This movie is just downright one of the best films I have seen come out of 2011. I am jumping the gun on this idea, I know, the year is not even over. A million movies have come out in this month and soon Sherlocke Holmes 2 is upcoming, but I still shall hold my opinion that Super 8 is one of the neatest things to come out of this year.

I think that the best way to go through Super 8 is to go with the expectation that it is simply good and just leave it at that. You can't expect a horror movie, you can't expect a chick flick or any of those easy preconceived notions around a movie. You should just GO and watch it. Also, if you're even slightly interested in how to make an amateur film in the 70's, this will hit you.

My favorite reaction that I've heard was someone worried that it had an element they couldn't take. But its a fantastic film for everyone.

And if you need any introduction because you believe in watching something without some sort of idea about what it is about? It's like and better than the Goonies.

Peanuts 2.0!

As of... well, two days ago, I have MOVED TO A HOUSE. WHERE I HAVE A ROOM. TO MYSELF.

The possibilities are... well, if there was a word for daunting and endless, it would be right there.

Though, none of it is set up. And my bed's still not here. and... so many fucking and's, guys. Not a joke.


First movie! PEANUTS; BON VOYAGE (which I actually watched the entirety of, and didn't fall asleep. I am CONSTANTLY amazed.)


(its so amazing guize. I cannot get across how much of the movie just blows my mind with how thoughtfully it was put together. I LOVES IT SO.)

First meal made: Mabo Tofu, Broccoli, and Blueberry pie. I fucked up on the pie, but WHATEVER, it was late and i was tired and GITOFFMYBACK.

And the neatest room in the house? Sterlings. Because he's a BAMF like that. HOWEVER, I declare that the kitchen is fantabulous because of my MACHINATIONS DAMMIT(getitright)

(I had a McDonald's McFrappe. can you tell?)

Tomorrow is barbeque day.

Tonight is agony on couches. I have a million mosquito bites. And I've become... slightly allergic. My rightfoot has a layer of swelling over the top, and my left ankle is creaking from the feeling. I HATE MOSQUITOS.

My roommates swear by mosquito candles. I don't believe them, but I WANT REMEDIES. I CAN'T DEAL. THE ITCH IS HORRENDOUS.

I am hungry and I miss my friends. And I miss having a bicycle that works. Its the little things.


I'm quite officially a couch ninja. I sleep on a couch.

And yet I'm horribly happy. I get flustered much more easily, but at the same time all the other emotions come out just as happily hot as ever. There's giddiness in my step now, a more readily available smile.

Most of it surrounds this horrible couch that I make my bed on. Good people, good times, good nights.

To think it came out of living life to enjoy it rather than worry.

I have enough to worry about. Screw my back, screw privacy, screw good nights of sleep.

Who needs it when I've had weeks of happiness, spent mostly on a couch whose cushions are slowly killing my spine.

Glee, you all. Fucking glee.

Life by Wreakage

So once again my mind has been reformatted to INTENSE MOVIE MODE, so now my mind is getting wreaked again by Hannibal Lecter. I have just finished watching Red Dragon, and with the many things that I've been going through, I need a moment to reflect.

My friend Sabrina brought up a point with me today, that I'm quicker to temper and much more quicker to emotion than I used to be, which she cited herself and her boyfriend to be the originators of this copied behavior. And I mentioned that they are definitely ones that make me more... agitated. to say the least. There are many a time I have been slighted with them as an audience, and each instance that I tend to just wave off, they are quick to remind me that perhaps I'm not thinking about it as much as I should.

I am quick to temper now. I feel immature because of it though. That my mind is quick to catch on small points that make me furious to the point of verbal incomprehension. I get irritated, frustrated. Very easy to catch off on a bad mood recently.

but such mimicked actions can't be blamed on observations of others. It is definitely my own mind that is pulling my reactions in such a way. But why have i resorted to such ways?

How immature is it to become irritated over points that are hard to brush off? that other people around you have annoying ticks that you just can't ignore? does that make you a bad person if you are particular?

I was harder to tick off, harder to move to angry emotions. I fly off the handle now, so much more turbulent. There's a fire in me raging, sometimes it dampens, and sometimes someone opens a door to an explosion to the face.

I can't stop smacking people.

Conversely, I always want to hold someone. or hold someone's hand. or get a hug. be hug. greet by matching your thumb to my pinky, my thumb to your pinky. tangible tangible.

More cuddly. More approving of doing things for everyone else.

My heart's constantly racing. I don't know how to handle myself. I'm all over the place, so stressed out but... am i having fun? enjoying myself living this way?

I'm having a hard time figuring that out.


I don't want to go back. Being actually antisocial. Not balancing people with other people, but people and myself (where I outweighed most things, but mostly because whatever people want is a better off me).

I do a lot of things because I feel like I'll miss out on life. On doing things. On what you're supposed to enjoy out of life. and I do.
But then I realize that my memory sucks. and that as enjoyable as something may become, it will become a vague recollection to me always. And that's always depressing for me to think about.

I'm losing sleep. I'm going to just conclude with:

Red Dragon is an amazing movie.

Is it safe to say yet?

That I'm in a long distance relationship?

What about that last post about some guy? Oh the one that I was sort of willing to bend over backwards for? We (He) broke up (with me) on Mother's Day, because he's a total winner. Which he kind of is in a non sarcastic sort of way. He has a girlfriend who he's also doing a sort of LDR thing as well, but he now has this Actually decent job lined up so he's in a pretty awesome space now.

But nonetheless, I'm caught in doing exactly what I never thought I would be in. A long distance relationship.

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Life, however, seems to say that my life is rocking too much, so now its taking a toll on my body. :( I have two bugbites on my arm, one which has swelled to the size of my hand (I haven't checked the other because I think I'm too secretly horrified that it matches the other in size). Taking a shower seems to have stopped them from being angryangry red, but I'm leaving to return to Fremont to make sure its not something more heinous.

Ohhhhh karma, I love you too, but those spiders Had to goooooo.

Remembering the right people:

Its May now, with its showers, and the crazies and the ridiculousness. And I forget to update Livejournal.

So lets rip off the bandaid, and you get what I've been up to.

Iron Man 2 is coming out on Thursday and I'm sooo so sososososo EXCITED. Very much. However, Jax and Tom are going crazier because they want to have Wednesday devoted to watching Iron Man 1 at Jax's place, then waiting for seats on the opening night. This sounds crazy, and I'm totally in.

I've been watching so much Hulu, it might be clinically bad, but its so infectious. :/ I have even relinquished my loved Castle to watching one of the best crime dramas that I've seen, Bones. Soooo good...

Well, I've run out of things to think about for the present, so I want to conclude with this last bit:

I've created a VIDEO for arcanica, who is my sistar. D: I want to keep making random videos (i was thinking more along the lines of singing, or whatever), and I want her to participate. Thing is... if you, my lj friends, want to join in on our war of the videos, I think that would be kind!

D: BUT I'M SO EMBARRASSED. For one thing, my head looks GIANT. for part two, mine are going to be called... FabulousFabulousSexyMe, which is... FFS-em. which I think is fucking hilarious. And is a big flipoff to my mom who doesn't want me to cuss, so i'm doing it as a polite method of slowly not doing it anymore. And erm... because me and quynh should feel like that. That these are videos of FabulousFabulousSexy me's. All the time?

Whatever, she's not answering the phone. D< grrrrr. but I wanted to show you all! because... maybe you want to watch too? I'M SORRY I'M A LOSER WHO TAKES MOVIES OF HERSELF. but here it is anyways:

Laugh, i know you want to.

I'm a bad LJ friend

AH, don't run away, I swear I'm not angsting, I SWEAR TO GOD.


Life's been good. I feel like I don't deserve it some times, but most times I'm living in it, so I don't notice so much.

I'm going out with guy-I'm-dating. There are pictures on Facebook, and that is as public as I'm comfortable with. And, finally, he's stopped pestering me about Facebook statuses and wotnot.

We are moving at, what can be perceived as, colossal speeds. There has been one hiccup that was very much my fault. Besides that, there are times where we sit and marvel at how similar and how utterly different we both are, and its... well, more than I ever really hoped for.

He makes me feel attractive, which is more than can be said about most people I've been in relationships with. :/ Its become his mission to point it out at every turn he can. I think he's strange every time he mentions it, but he thinks what he thinks, and I'm starting to understand why he's so insistent. Of course, it doesn't stop me from feeling uncomfortable with these ideas of "pretty" or "attractive" (there's just so much negative connotation with those words in my mind, in relation to me) but its... leaps and bounds from where I have been before.

There is a person who think he's out to harm me in the long run. Its really painful to think of relationships like this, because... honestly, when will the doubt go away? Why do I constantly have to justify how this is going? I don't even know where this is going. I don't want to figure it out sooner than later. I don't want to look so far into the future that I end up losing out on Now. Will he hurt me, I think so. Does it matter NOW? I think not.

So, there, really. I have someone for the moment. I think it might be for a while longer than a moment, which is why I'm updating you all.

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It's February again?

I realized I haven't posted in a long time, so I figured I should.

I'm still in love with Namie Amuro. I haven't stopped listening to her, but now I'mma Be is just as stuck. [My downstairs apartment neighbors have started to play their bass heavy music. I kind of want to punch them. My roommate had already called the cops on them before.] When will I ever stop listening to crazy music? NEVAR.

I haven't stopped having a crazy love life either. Collapse )

On top of all of this, I just want to find a girlfriend all of the sudden, just to change it up a bit. I think its because boys are so goddamn irritating right now, but GODDAMN going to Gay clubs totally doesn't make this any better. (Also, my mom has flat out told me that she doesn't want me to ever turn lesbian for Daisy. Ever. Evidently dealing with just my bro has given her so much stress that if I did too...(and she drops off) Thanks mom. Thanks for being so warm and loving to whatever I can become) [and on top of that, what the hell? SINCE WHEN HAS SHE EVER DICTATED WHO I COULD OR NOT DATE? WUT IS THIS, I DON'T EVEN]

---->Translation: what's most infuriating is the fact that that. I can't even put it into words. She totally doesn't know me? that's what its feeling like. Like, honestly, what right does she have to say something like that? 1) I can't ever be lesbian, WTF. 2) What does she have against Daisy? [omg, does best friend mean nothing?] 3) does the fact that I've been dating guys since I was 16 ring any bells? 4) OMG WHAT DOES IT MATTER, WHY DID SHE HAVE TO OPEN HER MOUTH? EVERYTHING IS RUINED FOREVER.

God, every single time I think about this, it irritates me. I can't stop being irritated. She's coming up this saturday. I'm so irritated. GRRRAWRRAWRRAWR.

[Bits of the conversation are filtering back to me; how her friends like to try and rest their feet on her lap or something, but she finds it SO HOMOSEXUAL, IT MUST BE BANNED RAWR. i mean, wtf. rly. reeeaaally? *wants to punch something so bad atm]

I really miss talking to Morgan and Jill, but feel like I'd ruin the conversation with how fucked up I feel right now.

Oh, I failed to mention, I've been sleeping at 3-5 in the morning. Daisy calls me Exhausted. I don't feel exhausted, but I'm definitely not Awesome. I can't read how my body is anymore; I'm so fucked up.

Want to Buy Advice, please?

PPPPPS: There'll be a happier post, for reals, later, about how I don't feel like the ugliest kid in teh cesspool of life, but right now I'm not feeling it.